[kiasusam]

I grew up in a family like most people did, both parents working and most of the time, I felt neglected. I went to school, worked part-time and had to earn my own pocket money. I was very independent. However I dropped out during my secondary school days and went out to work. Life was hard. My salary was barely enough for myself and because of that, I decided to go back to study for my Os.

Upon completing, it was already almost time for me to enlist into NS. It was during then I got to know her. Let's call her Lyn. We got to know one another through teletext -> Penpal and we wrote to one another very often. Before long, we decided to meet up.

It was a Saturday and we met up at Selegie to play billiard. She brought her boyfriend along and introduced to me. It was then we came out often with or without her boyfriend at times. All these while I was single and though I had a very good impression of her, there were some constraints, her boyfriend. I did not want to be the third party.

It wasn't before long I got to know another girl and let's call her Michelle and I also got to know her through teletext. I shall not go into detail about her as for now. We went into a relationship but I still maintained contact with Lyn though not as frequent. I did not know whether do I really love Michelle but she was the one who courted me. But most importantly, I can feel her sincerity during then. We were together for about 8 months when Lyn paged me one day. (The first light-weight generation handphone models (2nd from the left beside the 大哥大 which were just released during then) and it was expensive. Earning less than 700 bucks then as a recruit, I could not afford it.

I went to the public phone and called her. She was sobbing. I got worried. I told her I will try to come out to find her and that I will call her back in a while. I went to my PS(platoon sergeant) and asked if I can book out for a while and he questioned me for the reason. Could not tell her my friend is in need, sure tio kan. So I came out with other excuses but was also kanned by my PS. So request rejected and off I went to re-queue for the phone. Those who were in the army during my times without handphone should know the fucking queue is damn fucking long. Nevertheless, I still joined in the queue. When it was my turn, I called her up and asked what was wrong. She told me her bf has just broken up with her.

When I heard the news, I felt helpless yet I wanted to rush to her side to lend her my shoulder to cry on. I felt sad hearing her sobbing through the phone. I could only stand there dumbfounded. No words came out from my mouth. I did not know what to say to comfort her. After a while, I told her I will go straight to her place upon booking out on the coming weekend. She said ok. I told her I will call her again on the next opportunity.

For the next few days while having training, she was constantly on my mind. As promised, I called her whenever I can during short breaks/meal breaks etc.. Anyway, when I booked out on that weekend, as promised, I went straight to her place and called her at the void deck. She came down looking a little sad, yet still as beautiful as ever. Can see the fatigue in her eyes. She told me she has not been sleeping well. I asked her where did she want to go? And she told me anywhere as long as she is not at home. I told her ok but I need to go back home to change out of my smart 4 first.

She went up to change and make up while I waited for her downstairs after which she followed me home. We went out for a game of snooker as usual. That night we went for a drink. Nothing unusual happen.

Weeks and months passed and that was our routine. We went out every weekend and I drifted away slowly from my gf. Then the day came when I knew we could not longer avoid that question. She popped the question first. We were out drinking in town as usual. Tipsy yet happy with each other's companion. We strolled down Orchard Road and then she turned round suddenly and asked me "Are you in love with me?" I was stunned that she asked me that. I did not know how to answer her. I just went "why? erm.. ask such a question all of a sudden? We are good friends isn't it?" "Stop avoiding my question. Just answer it" she retorted.
"Erm.. I really duuno how to answer....I ""You are a coward!"

My face blackened. "Am I?"
"The NG I know last time is not like this. 他是个敢爱敢恨的男人"
"Wa need to say until like this meh? Dun so emo leh...Isn't it good this way? We are happy right?"

She began to walk faster. I followed behind, both quiet now. When we reached the MRT, we boarded the train. She gave me that look as though I owed her money. I did not know what to say so I chose to remain silent. When my destination was about to reach, I asked her whether do I drop off or do I continue the journey and send her back? She kept quiet and gave me a even more dulan look. So LPPL, I never drop off and I sent her home. In the past, we go back on our own. After sending her home, I left and went home. By then, I already own my own 1st handphone. I received an SMS from her."You break off with your gf and be with me can?"


I did not reply her message. For the next few days, we did not contact anymore. Life went on as usual but when weekend arrived, she called me again and asked me what was my answer. I told her "I cannot break off with my gf just because of you. Doesn't it occurred to you that I will break off with you in future because of another girl, you get what I mean?"
"Ok I'll give you time to consider then. Give me your answer by Christmas."

I kept silent. Did not want to commit anything. So we went out as usual again every weekend and it was not long before Xmas was just round the corner. Again she pressed me for the answer. I kept quiet.

Soon Christmas passed and everything was still as usual. She dropped me an SMS again. I can sense her frustrations and impatience in the message. Her last resort was to give me time till Valentine's day to give her an answer.

Not to miss out, all these while we were going out as purely friends. No intimacy at all. We became a little distant and our outings were no longer that frequent. I began spending more time with my girlfriend but however, we began to develop some problems between us.

It wasn't long before Valentine's day was just round the corner and on that day itself, I decided to break off with my gf. It was the worst gift a guy can give to a girl but I did not want to deceive myself or drag on the relationship any longer. It wasn't gonna be fair to my girlfriend as well. But I did not tell Lyn about our breakup though she did contact me and asked me for my answer. My stand remains the same as I did not want to commit into another relationship so fast.

Gradually she stopped contacting me...... It was just the beginning.......

When she totally stopped contacting me, I was confused during then. However I also did not try to call her. Our outings on weekends ceased. My life went on without her presence. It wasn't long before I got to know another girl (shall not include her in this story).