[HornEBee]

I am staring my 16 year old self in the face now.

"Elijah, you have been right all along."

My doppelganger stares back at me in my dreamscape, smiling behind lonely tears, hiding behind his art and pencils.

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It's been a roller coaster for the past 3 months, I'm 30 now, and I'm starting to feel like I am at a turning point to something. I have had some achievements, a modest distributor of a internally known skincare line, married to the love of my life, with an adorable kid. What more could I ask for, right?

But something is amiss.

For one, my marriage, though ideal, had gone through a tough challenge when our kid came along. We are spending most of our time on our little girl, less time with each other, and even less time alone.

Our decision very early on in our relationship was to ensure that we had time for each other. We agreed on freeing Saturday mornings for our date. The idea was to keep our relationship going by spending quality time with each other. It started great, that was two years ago, when our girl was born. Two years on, our dates have become routine. We are either doing stuff that I wanted, which was watching a movie, or what she wanted, which was shopping. Very quickly, time flies, and we have to pick our girl up from childcare.

Our love for each other still remains strong, I think, but when I look at my wife, I feel at peace, and happy, but am I missing something else? Passion perhaps?

Another uncomfortable fact I have found about myself was that I was uneasy when around beautiful women. I am a cosmetics sales manager, and have picked up some skills doing make-up for ladies. Though it is not a daily requirement, I am sometimes required to present to clients by applying some of my products on models.

On days when the model I was working with was attractive to me, my feelings of unease would set in. Shortness of breath. Increased heart rate. Unsteady hands. I would want to move away from her as quickly as possible. I would not be able to speak as well, and more often than not, sales at that event would be affected. All this I am telling you were at the level of the subconscious. I have been living with this discomfort for years now, but I have never realized it until now.

Looking back now, I have come to realize that my sexual-psychological development had stopped since I met my wife when we were 16.

As a result? I “fall in love” too easily, too fast.

What is all of this doing in a forum? If you were to trace my postings, you would see that I have been looking for companionship. Here I will share why. In writing this, I hope for no other purpose than clarity. If you want to find out more, or if you have similar experiences, please share!