16 Again

[HornEBee]

I am staring my 16 year old self in the face now.

"Elijah, you have been right all along."

My doppelganger stares back at me in my dreamscape, smiling behind lonely tears, hiding behind his art and pencils.

---

It's been a roller coaster for the past 3 months, I'm 30 now, and I'm starting to feel like I am at a turning point to something. I have had some achievements, a modest distributor of a internally known skincare line, married to the love of my life, with an adorable kid. What more could I ask for, right?

But something is amiss.

For one, my marriage, though ideal, had gone through a tough challenge when our kid came along. We are spending most of our time on our little girl, less time with each other, and even less time alone.

Our decision very early on in our relationship was to ensure that we had time for each other. We agreed on freeing Saturday mornings for our date. The idea was to keep our relationship going by spending quality time with each other. It started great, that was two years ago, when our girl was born. Two years on, our dates have become routine. We are either doing stuff that I wanted, which was watching a movie, or what she wanted, which was shopping. Very quickly, time flies, and we have to pick our girl up from childcare.

Our love for each other still remains strong, I think, but when I look at my wife, I feel at peace, and happy, but am I missing something else? Passion perhaps?

Another uncomfortable fact I have found about myself was that I was uneasy when around beautiful women. I am a cosmetics sales manager, and have picked up some skills doing make-up for ladies. Though it is not a daily requirement, I am sometimes required to present to clients by applying some of my products on models.

On days when the model I was working with was attractive to me, my feelings of unease would set in. Shortness of breath. Increased heart rate. Unsteady hands. I would want to move away from her as quickly as possible. I would not be able to speak as well, and more often than not, sales at that event would be affected. All this I am telling you were at the level of the subconscious. I have been living with this discomfort for years now, but I have never realized it until now.

Looking back now, I have come to realize that my sexual-psychological development had stopped since I met my wife when we were 16.

As a result? I “fall in love” too easily, too fast.

What is all of this doing in a forum? If you were to trace my postings, you would see that I have been looking for companionship. Here I will share why. In writing this, I hope for no other purpose than clarity. If you want to find out more, or if you have similar experiences, please share!

[extinct]

Well. You are not alone.

[littlepok]

interesting thread. initially thought is sex version of Vampire Diaries

[flowbow]

Still looking for companionship without sex?

[HornEBee]

Originally Posted by flowbow

Still looking for companionship without sex?

Yes! But I think I will just do away with paying for time already. I think that might have turned people off! If you just like to chat, have some drinks, and maybe catch a movie or something, I'm game! I will be a gentleman and pay for the meal.

Oh, one very important point is that I can only hang out on office hours on weekdays only!

[HornEBee]

"Who would want to talk to me?"

"You will be surprised, bro. Trust me when I say, there will be."

"What have I got to offer?"

"Work at your art. You've got skills, bro. Your time will come, you will see."

"..."

"Nobody said it wouldn't hurt, though. Stay strong. "

---

I've been in a boy's school since I was in Primary One, all through my secondary school. Never thought I've lost out on anything, until I was in Secondary school and took part in inter school events. I was playing a sport in school, and we had the opportunity to train together with our corresponding sister school's school team.

I think I should mention that appearance-wise, I've always been on the fat side, and looked very geeky. I've never been able to speak with girls, especially those I've found attractive, and I guess I never tried. What's the point? On the surface, I thought I have convinced others, but especially myself that I was above all that petty stuff boys and girls did, but in truth, I guess I've given up.

"Nobody understands me," was what I thought, and that always made me feel better.

So I wrote a lot. I sketched a lot, on my sketch pads, and with my pencils. And I sang to the one I loved, which was no one in particular, and everyone at the same time. I was lonely, I was in pain, I was creative.

At the time when those of my friends who could got attached, broke up, cheated on their girlfriends and moved on, I dug myself in my art, my sport and my studies. I became an excellent actor at pretending I wasn't interested whenever I met with pretty girls. In truth, from the start, I cared very much, and so wanted to just have some physical company. I used to think, is it so hard just to have someone who appreciated your company? Someone to hold your hand? I was really an emo guy.

As a result, I think that my expectation of a relationship then was set on a very low standard of, as long as I find her attractive, and she enjoys my company.

There. I've said it. The above sentence is simple, but I took all of my 30 years to understand that this was my problem. It took me further heartbreaks to realize that this fundamental weakness could threaten everything I built up, my family, my business, and everything I hold dear now.

Because this means, I fall easy, and I fall hard.

[flowbow]

Originally Posted by HornEBee

Yes! But I think I will just do away with paying for time already. I think that might have turned people off! If you just like to chat, have some drinks, and maybe catch a movie or something, I'm game! I will be a gentleman and pay for the meal.

Oh, one very important point is that I can only hang out on office hours on weekdays only!

Actually no leh... I think the paying part appeals more to me. how could you possibly think otherwise?!

[HornEBee]

Er... because it didn't work out? You didn't PM me either lei?

My conclusion was either I must have been fugly, or I couldn't afford to pay enough, so I gave up using this method.

Anyway, I've found someone nice to hang out with, without having to pay for her time. I will explain a bit more later on this thread.

She didn't ask for it, but I paid for everything we did so it's pretty cool that way. I think hor, I realised that because I do have a budget to work with, so

Higher $ / hr + Cheaper $ for eat, drink, play
=
0 / hr + Higher $ for eat, drink, play

[HornEBee]

I think, as I was trying to explain in this story, I have managed to trade what I was good at, instead of $, which works out great!

If you like, we can try to meet for a chat first? I treat you to a nice drink or something? I think I am quite a nice person to talk to. If you disagree, I will pay for your time, and we will never meet again.

But if you enjoyed our chat, you would have found another friend you could talk to?

By the way, all these aliases and stories are partially fiction, but not too far from the truth. I would not hide my true identity and would be totally open about everything if I do meet with anyone in person, and I hope that they do the same.

I choose to keep anonymous on SBF just to prevent those who may know me in real life from knowing too much about my personal life.

[flowbow]

Originally Posted by HornEBee

Er... because it didn't work out? You didn't PM me either lei?

My conclusion was either I must have been fugly, or I couldn't afford to pay enough, so I gave up using this method.

Anyway, I've found someone nice to hang out with, without having to pay for her time. I will explain a bit more later on this thread.

She didn't ask for it, but I paid for everything we did so it's pretty cool that way. I think hor, I realised that because I do have a budget to work with, so

Higher $ / hr + Cheaper $ for eat, drink, play
=
0 / hr + Higher $ for eat, drink, play

Originally Posted by HornEBee

I think, as I was trying to explain in this story, I have managed to trade what I was good at, instead of $, which works out great!

If you like, we can try to meet for a chat first? I treat you to a nice drink or something? I think I am quite a nice person to talk to. If you disagree, I will pay for your time, and we will never meet again.

But if you enjoyed our chat, you would have found another friend you could talk to?

By the way, all these aliases and stories are partially fiction, but not too far from the truth. I would not hide my true identity and would be totally open about everything if I do meet with anyone in person, and I hope that they do the same.

I choose to keep anonymous on SBF just to prevent those who may know me in real life from knowing too much about my personal life.

I didn't PM you because I am not into this companionship thing. If I were, I would have started a thread long ago. the awful thing about me is that I tend to develop feelings quite easily which is why I was never meant for this kinda FB/companionship stuff. I tried before and ended up getting hurt because my emotions got in the way of things.

And also because I don't think I have the time/energy... I'm too tired from work for anything else, and even if we were to meet for dinner or anything like that, I wouldn't be in the best of moods. Besides, you can only meet on weekdays whereas I can only meet on certain weekday evenings and weekends. Which is why my sex life is pretty much non-existent, but that is a little too much info I think; you didn't need to know that. AND I am not complaining, I am quite happy with that in fact

For me, I would rather the first part of your equation... I don't need expensive food/drinks/play

[HornEBee]

Really appreciate your candor, flowbow! Sounds like you are extremely busy!

I think I know how you feel. I think that emotions not getting in the way is almost impossible, and I am going through it now, even though I tried this experience fulfilled and at peace with myself and my relationships in life.

But then again, I got myself into this also to feel some emotions again. I think I've realized that paying for company feels empty somehow. That yes, in a way, I can prove to my 16 year old self that we can talk to the people that we were attracted to, but it feels like I am cheating by paying for it?

In the end, it does nothing to my lack of confidence when it comes to communicating with the opposite sex. Then, what's the point?

This whole journey is about self discovery, and I am quite happy I've found the answers I've been searching for, or something like it.

[flowbow]

Originally Posted by HornEBee

Really appreciate your candor, flowbow! Sounds like you are extremely busy!

I think I know how you feel. I think that emotions not getting in the way is almost impossible, and I am going through it now, even though I tried this experience fulfilled and at peace with myself and my relationships in life.

But then again, I got myself into this also to feel some emotions again. I think I've realized that paying for company feels empty somehow. That yes, in a way, I can prove to my 16 year old self that we can talk to the people that we were attracted to, but it feels like I am cheating by paying for it?

In the end, it does nothing to my lack of confidence when it comes to communicating with the opposite sex. Then, what's the point?

This whole journey is about self discovery, and I am quite happy I've found the answers I've been searching for, or something like it.

I'm not extremely busy la, just that work tires me out so I don't have much energy to go out after a long day at work. It's just me I think.

Personally I feel there's nothing wrong with paying for companionship. Don't think too deeply into it. In this day and age, such things are common and has nothing to do with one's confidence level. Unless, of course, you choose to think that way. These days, money talks. I am not shy to admit that I do make use of money sometimes to buy companionship on days I feel lonely and empty. It is not that I lack companionship because as a girl, I think it shouldn't be too difficult to find a companion... But I don't want companionship from any Tom, Dick or Harry... More so if that person is not someone I am interested in.

Sometimes I "buy" companionship from people whose company I would love to have (note: not necessarily sex) and it is also fulfilling, to a certain extent. Though my emotions still get in the way at times and I end up developing feelings, for the most part, it's been quite enjoyable for me. At least there is no commitment and I'm happy being able to spend time with someone whose company I enjoy. I still go home to my own bed, contented, and wake up the next day to face a long work day ahead... Until I feel lonely again. Don't stereotype me, it's not such a bad thing actually

P.S: I am not implying that I'm some high flyer or that I'm filthy rich, but I think I will give credit to those who deserve it, be it monetary or not. And no, I am not interested in adopting any SBF guys as a sugar baby... Hahahaha let's just say this forum is just a place for me to while some time away when I am bored at work or at home.

[HornEBee]

"Another rejection?"

"She fell in love with another guy. Why does she spend so much time talking to me, but drop everything when he comes along?"

"I don't have any answer, bro. Even now."

"Am I being too much of a wimp? Should I have told her how I felt?"
---

I've realized my problem when I was interviewing someone for a sales position in my company.

Sweet girl, very friendly, just the type of mix of looks, body and personality for me. When she appeared for the interview after two others before her, she was like a breath of fresh air.

She was bright and sunny, she had that kind of sweet dimpled smile that reminded me of the countless heartaches I have had when I was younger, and the kind of figure that I lusted after in my private escpades into the Japanese porn world each night.

I found myself in a position of authority across physical and mental desire, and I lost it.

I was trying very hard to listen to her talk about her achievements, and I probably heard most of what she was saying, but I couldn't concentrate. I could barely breathe in her presence and when I did, I got a sense of her sweet fragrance from where I sat, not 2 metres from her.

The interview was over in what seemed like forever . I knew that she passed with flying colors in everything that we were looking for. In fact, she did so with flying colors.

But I was torn.

I was facing a real danger to my marriage. Can I work in close quarters with her without being affected by what I was feeling?

If she had offered to have sex with me for favors in my company there and then, a stranger I just met not ten minutes ago, I would have gladly taken it. Might I remind you that I am married , with my love and with a beautiful child? And there and then, I was ready to throw it all away for someone I barely knew?

Anyway, she didn't take up the job, which was for the better, I guess. But that was the first time I scared myself, and also when I realised the depth of my weakness.

[HornEBee]

Originally Posted by flowbow

I'm not extremely busy la, just that work tires me out so I don't have much energy to go out after a long day at work. It's just me I think.

Personally I feel there's nothing wrong with paying for companionship. Don't think too deeply into it. In this day and age, such things are common and has nothing to do with one's confidence level. Unless, of course, you choose to think that way. These days, money talks. I am not shy to admit that I do make use of money sometimes to buy companionship on days I feel lonely and empty. It is not that I lack companionship because as a girl, I think it shouldn't be too difficult to find a companion... But I don't want companionship from any Tom, Dick or Harry... More so if that person is not someone I am interested in.

Sometimes I "buy" companionship from people whose company I would love to have (note: not necessarily sex) and it is also fulfilling, to a certain extent. Though my emotions still get in the way at times and I end up developing feelings, for the most part, it's been quite enjoyable for me. At least there is no commitment and I'm happy being able to spend time with someone whose company I enjoy. I still go home to my own bed, contented, and wake up the next day to face a long work day ahead... Until I feel lonely again. Don't stereotype me, it's not such a bad thing actually

P.S: I am not implying that I'm some high flyer or that I'm filthy rich, but I think I will give credit to those who deserve it, be it monetary or not. And no, I am not interested in adopting any SBF guys as a sugar baby... Hahahaha let's just say this forum is just a place for me to while some time away when I am bored at work or at home.

Nope, I do not think that there is anything wrong with paying, in fact, that was what I told my wife. If I am used to paying someone to spend time with me, I would get into the habit of getting what I want that way, so wouldn't it be better?

It's just that I've found that I was seriously flawed psychologically. I have bottled my feelings (emotionally and sexually) too long that there is a real danger of me being totally unprepared when that someone PERFECT comes along.

When it comes to that, paying might help increase my experience, I guess, but I also must build confidence when it comes to attracting someone. To let myself know that the first and only time wasn't a fluke, and that choosing to love only one as my lifelong partner was MY choice.

You know? I have never been able to tell someone not a member of my family that she was pretty, or sexy without choking on my words? I am now like, fuck that. I'm done with being so ball-less. I can be a nice guy, but still be able to openly say that I am attracted to you, I like to spend time with you, and not have to feel bad about it!

[Iluminati]

Bro no one is perfect in this world. There is no such thing as perfect but near perfect, perhaps.

Bro what you are doing right now is like to cover back for your lost years as a 16 years old teenager up to the day you got married. Your wife has married you and by agreeing to marry you mean she is willing to spend her lifetime with you and as you said it yourself, gave you a beautiful kid as well. I think you are trying to seek justification for cheating on your wife.

Before you start the whole courting and flirting all over again, think of the consequences. Just to let you know if divorce, the wife will automatically get the child custody according to the Women Charter.

Whether or not the SYT interviewee take up the job or not is irrelevant. As a guy, we must have a strong mentality. Know what you want in life and to be able to rest temptation since you are a married man.Don't be wishy-washy.