Does cheating always ruin a marriage?

[Adromeda]

I am currently married and have been since 2013! I thought being married was the best thing ever because I thought I had married the love of my life, someone I could trust and live with for the rest of my life.

We had dated for 7 years and although we had breakups in between due to 3rd parties (on his part) and him easily being interested in others, I had thought that him deciding to marry me was his way of telling me that he has decided to commit to me. Shortly after we got married, I got pregnant and we were so happy because we had talked about having kids asap. After the kid was born, we got into a few quarrels because well.. Taking care of a newborn takes a toll on us both and after giving birth, when my labour wounds healed, it was painful for me to have sex again but we did have it on and off when I know he wanted to.

Fast forward to now, our kid is turning one soon and I recently found out that he had gone behind my back and visited some ladies on dome3! I was crushed. It totally broke my heart. Marriage really is not for everyone! I am not saying I an 10/10 gorgeous but I don't think I'm that bad looking. Now I look back and wonder if it was a mistake getting married to him.

Sex isn't an issue between us. I was and still am pretty horny most of the time and We regularly have it and I would buy lingerie on occasions to spice things up. Except for the 6 months after our kid was born, we didn't have much of it but slowly and surely, we were going back to our usual routine. He claims it was just that commercial and that he had obsessed about it for so long.

The FRs and advertisements by the pimp was so anticing that he could not help himself and that he had to try it out. He says its a one off thing that would never happen again though he went to try two FLs on diff days. But in my heart, I am doubtful that he is just saying it because he got caught. If he hadn't got caught, anytime there is another anticing fish on the market, I feel like he would go for it. Everyday now I look at him and I'm not sure how much of his words are believable.

I love him and want us to work things out but somehow it feels like the trust just isn't there anymore and it's so hard to move forward with him.

[a2014]

Originally Posted by Adromeda

Except for the 6 months after our kid was born, we didn't have much of it but slowly and surely, we were going back to our usual routine. He claims it was just that commercial and that he had obsessed about it for so long.

If not wrong both of you are very young and he is quite high in sex. Since not convenience at home so he may thought of trying to buy some sex but got stuck in it.

Originally Posted by Adromeda

He says its a one off thing that would never happen again though he went to try two FLs on diff days. But in my heart, I am doubtful that he is just saying it because he got caught.

How do you say he got caught, you mean you caught him going ? Anyway that may be a standard answer, if you ask me I may also say like that. If both of you did talk on this did you ask him how he feel. I guess you wouldn't have such mood other than scolding right. At time when man do such things you need to figure out why, hopping all over him don't solve your problem only escalate it.

Originally Posted by Adromeda

Everyday now I look at him and I'm not sure how much of his words are believable.

You should know if he did visit such place or not unless you are saying he is frequently coming back late or no interest to have sex or not performing well during sex for some unknown reason. Man take a while to recharge one look you should know.

Originally Posted by Adromeda

I love him and want us to work things out but somehow it feels like the trust just isn't there anymore and it's so hard to move forward with him.

It is your inner self that count. The question is do you love him. Do you know him well. If you do and belief he is a good guy, one day he will feel sick of such life. He will know, the one at home serve him only, the one outside serve many. If he is good at heart he will come to sense. The only thing left is when.

Take Care and think wisely.

[larue]

There's nothing you can do to change him.

You can either leave him, or accept him for what he is.

Whether what he is apart from his indiscretions is any good only you know.

Well meaning people are going to tell you what you can do to change him. I'm sorry but that's all bullshit. Only he can change him.

I've cheated on my wife, I've been caught. I'm still married to her and still cheating.

[autoroam]

Originally Posted by Adromeda

we had breakups in between due to 3rd parties (on his part) and him easily being interested in others

U didn't see the problem here

[Adromeda]

Originally Posted by a2014

If not wrong both of you are very young and he is quite high in sex. Since not convenience at home so he may thought of trying to buy some sex but got stuck in it.

Well we are young. He's 29 and I am 27 this year.

Originally Posted by a2014

How do you say he got caught, you mean you caught him going ? Anyway that may be a standard answer, if you ask me I may also say like that. If both of you did talk on this did you ask him how he feel. I guess you wouldn't have such mood other than scolding right. At time when man do such things you need to figure out why, hopping all over him don't solve your problem only escalate it.

I caught him when I saw his text messages. It was a message to the pimp. I asked him how ge felt and he had said that he couldn't stop thinking about it cause of all the rave reviews and how hot she had looked and he was curious to what a killer bbbj or whatever she was offering was like. Sometimes I still can't believe he actually did that. Because we were in a good place and I had thought he would have cherished what we had.

Originally Posted by a2014

You should know if he did visit such place or not unless you are saying he is frequently coming back late or no interest to have sex or not performing well during sex for some unknown reason. Man take a while to recharge one look you should know.

He says he didnt have intentions to frequent such FLs cause he said they weren't as good as what was advertised and that because he was getting the same thing at home and even better because of our emotional connection which he wouldn't be able to get from them. And he also said they weren't even as hot as advertised and that to him, our sex was and is always better. But maybe he's just saying that cause anything else is inappropriate and would make me more unhappy.

Originally Posted by a2014

It is your inner self that count. The question is do you love him. Do you know him well. If you do and belief he is a good guy, one day he will feel sick of such life. He will know, the one at home serve him only, the one outside serve many. If he is good at heart he will come to sense. The only thing left is when.

Take Care and think wisely.

At the end of the day, I do still love him and want things to work out. I don't want our kid to be raised in a broken family. But I just don't know how much I can trust him anymore because I can't stop thinking about the betrayal. Everyday I look at him and I find myself sighing. I know it takes time to build back the trust.. But right now, I am very disappointed and moody.

[Adromeda]

Originally Posted by autoroam

U didn't see the problem here

I did see it but you know, people always want to Hope for the best. And I didn't force him to get married or anything. He had decided that he wanted to settle down. We weren't shot gun. I would think that a man who has decided to settle down would know that monogamy is expected in marriage.

[Adromeda]

Originally Posted by larue

There's nothing you can do to change him.

You can either leave him, or accept him for what he is.

Whether what he is apart from his indiscretions is any good only you know.

Well meaning people are going to tell you what you can do to change him. I'm sorry but that's all bullshit. Only he can change him.

I've cheated on my wife, I've been caught. I'm still married to her and still cheating.

So why are you staying on in your marriage? Staying on willingly? When I first fell in love with him many years ago, I had liked him because I thought he was a faithful guy. LOL! Funny how that turned out. I don't know if I'm just too 'vanilla' for him or what.. He really didn't seem like the kind to go for paid sex although I know he browse this forum domes quite a fair bit. Always asking me which girls are hotter or if any I think are hot enough for my lesbian fantasies.

[MoeLanYong]

TS,
I advise you not to let him off. Give him hell. Get him to sleep separate room. Don't let him touch your child. Show him colour. File for a divorce and let him know he will not get access to the child. But don't actually divorce lah. Tell his parents what happened and its not your fault they will never see their grandchild. They will pressure him. Some men are like this. They like to push the envelope. See what they can get away with. If you forgive easily, he will try again. If he is truly sorry (after 6 months), work on repairing your marriage. When your lesson to him is painful and shameful enough, he will never dare cheat again. Good luck.

[Edyta]

TS, i empathise with your situation. Hurt feelings aside, sit down discuss with him whats his plans going forward. No one can make him change if he didn't want itn He would just find more sneaky ways to hide it. Thats human nature. He needs to realise the stake is high as he has a young child, newly married wife, a great loss if he let go. Tell him firmly your expectation of being faithful n its something non negotiable from your perspective. He needs to tell u his plans n how he can change to commit to u and your child. No u tell him what to do its the other way really. No one can make another person change. The only person u can control is yourself. Although i dont advocate divorce, sometimes its a better way out. Its a myth that a staying in a bad marriage is better than in a single parent home. Meanwhile advice him go n do a STD checkup for the sake of family health. Take Care TS.

[larue]

Originally Posted by Adromeda

I would think that a man who has decided to settle down would know that monogamy is expected in marriage.

Sorry to burst your bubble. It's just not true in very many cases.

If you can't deal with it and the fact that he has strayed, and likely will continue to do so even if you never find out again, will gnaw at you forever, you should leave for your own sake. And your children. If you have the financial ability to raise them yourself.

The only way you can compel him to change is if you have considerable leverage over him, and that usually means you are rich and he is poor. Relationships are necessarily asymmetrical, someone always has more power.

[FL Lover]

Originally Posted by larue

Sorry to burst your bubble. It's just not true in very many cases.

If you can't deal with it and the fact that he has strayed, and likely will continue to do so even if you never find out again, will gnaw at you forever, you should leave for your own sake. And your children. If you have the financial ability to raise them yourself.

The only way you can compel him to change is if you have considerable leverage over him, and that usually means you are rich and he is poor. Relationships are necessarily asymmetrical, someone always has more power.

So are you telling her to get a divorce? Are you a divorcee and have u ever been through before?

If no, dont give such ideas to a family. TS you should talk to your hubby. Tell him that for the sack of the family and the kids, he should change his way. It is not going to do well for him if both of you divorced. I am sure your hubby is a local guy and he should know whay will happ if that happens.

Going to divorce Will be your last option. You have kid. The kid need the father. Going into divorce might even turn the matter worse as the father can now go find new gf and neglect this family. Dont listen to pple who tells u to give him up.

I suggest both of u go to a family or marriage counselling. I know the pain cause i am one of them. Its not gd for kids in long run. So do consider carefully. Man love to play a fool when he had $$. Control his $$ and u killed off his hobby. Trust me.

[larue]

Originally Posted by FL Lover

So are you telling her to get a divorce? Are you a divorcee and have u ever been through before?

If no, dont give such ideas to a family. TS you should talk to your hubby. Tell him that for the sack of the family and the kids, he should change his way. It is not going to do well for him if both of you divorced. I am sure your hubby is a local guy and he should know whay will happ if that happens.

Going to divorce Will be your last option. You have kid. The kid need the father. Going into divorce might even turn the matter worse as the father can now go find new gf and neglect this family. Dont listen to pple who tells u to give him up.

I suggest both of u go to a family or marriage counselling. I know the pain cause i am one of them. Its not gd for kids in long run. So do consider carefully. Man love to play a fool when he had $$. Control his $$ and u killed off his hobby. Trust me.

Thank you actually for proving my point that he cannot be compelled to change except by a show of genuine power.

Without the ability to project this power, all TS can do is accept him and carry on hoping (not impossible) for him to achieve his own epiphany, or leave if she can't deal with it. That is the reality.

Monogamy is such bs that just screws people over. Whoever heard or cared about monogamy 200 years ago?. It is a biologically unnatural state of being.

[Captainoceania77]

Paid sex is just a transaction only . He has no feelings for the whores there. He just need to satisfied his sexual urge only . Is like taking a cab to your destination and paid for it. Is very normal for a guy looking for a paid sex. No worries he still loves you yar.

[SEAJ]

Please do note that we are talking about family i/o just a couple. And the fact is that there are MANY great and successful families headed by Husbands/ Fathers who are not monogamous; and yeah, even when the wife also partakes of some indiscretions too!

Let’s ALL of us face it, these days there is just tooooo much temptations - paid as well as unpaid ones - that it is totally unrealistic to expect ourselves, never mind somebody else to stay monogamous. Male OR Female! But then again, temptations have for EONS, always been a problem!

The key to successfully managing one’s own tendencies (M or F!) are:

Discretion – never get caught and even if you do, deny, deny, deny! Once you admit, the other party will not even have ANY leg to stand on, making it impossible to back down from a break-up.

Give Full Face and Respect – family IS the most important matter in our lives, and as such, you must treat it with total respect! Meaning to say, if you’re gonna be out screwing around, make sure that friends, relatives, boss/staff etc. do NOT know anything about this. And ForCrissakes, especially for guys – WTF are you doing boasting about your “conquests? Sheesh! And you gals gotta “confide” in your best friend??!! Stop that!

No Emotional attachment – you’ve solemnly swore to love and respect your spouse, you must at least live up to your oath of love. IMHO, screwing around doesn’t really count as it’s just like having McD’ once a while when your true love is home cooking! Besides which, does it take away ANYTHING from the family/partner? For all anybody cares, you could be out having lunch with a colleague, playing mahjong OR screwing your brains out! Who’d know except yourself???!!! It doesn’t matter if there’s no emotional attachment - which to me represents the only real kind of unfaithfulness that matters. Screwing is just like taking a pee away from home – anyone of us needs to tell our spouses when we do so?

And of course use condoms - Extra-marital affairs leaves NO room for bastards to be born and/or VD to rear its ugly head.

Follow all the above rules and go and spend the rest of your time to successfully build your family up instead of wasting it for stupid emotional roller coasters! Because screwing around is then all just physical/animal NEEDS! No harm no foul!

And BTW, it’s best if you discuss this thoroughly with your partner; what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Of course expressing it with all sorts of “….I love you, I just want you to be happy, of course I would much prefer it if you didn’t have any extra-marital sex, but because I DO love you and I DO cherish what we have, I want you to understand that the most important thing to me is US....!"
Good huh??!! LOL

Just IMHO of course
SEAJ

[archer69]

Originally Posted by Bukit Mewah

Paid sex is just a transaction only . He has no feelings for the whores there. He just need to satisfied his sexual urge only . Is like taking a cab to your destination and paid for it. Is very normal for a guy looking for a paid sex. No worries he still loves you yar.

Will you accept if the wife pay for sex also?